What Muslim Men Want

Reading between the lines...

1. "I'm looking for a good Muslim girl"

Translation: I'm looking for a girl my mum will like and who looks good in hijab, but who will agree to have countless flirty late-night conversations and coffee dates while I decide if we're 'compatible'.

2. "I'm looking for someone I'm compatible with."

Translation: I'm looking for someone attractive.

3. "I'm looking for someone attractive."

Translation: I'm looking for someone so ridiculously gorgeous, 10,000 ships fly out of her face (a la Helen of Troy)

4. "I'm looking for someone who takes care of her appearance."

Translation: I'm looking for someone gorgeous, who looks stunning when she puts a bit of effort in.

[This one annoys me, because, hey, us unattactive people take care of ourselves too! Sometimes, I even polish my gnarled talons, or scrape the warts off my face. On special occasions I even brush my fangs, shave my moustache, and acquaint my armpits with some soap.]

5. "I'm looking for someone homely."

Translation: I need a maid, my mother's arthritis prevents her from ironing properly.

6. "I'm looking for someone family-oriented"

Translation: I want someone oriented to my family.

7. "I like to travel."

Translation: I go to Pakistan twice a year, and I went to Bradford once, but I heard girls like holidays.

8. "I want someone with a good sense of humour."

Translation: I want someone to laugh at all my jokes.

9. "I want someone independent."
Translation: She works, can drive, will date me before meeting my family, but will agree to live with my mummy and daddy after marriage.

10. "I don't want a girl who's independent."
Translation: I am a giant misogynist and want to marry a hot babe who never leaves the kitchen.

11. "I don't know what I'm looking for yet; I'll know when I find her!"
Translation: ...I think I want all of the above?