Friday, September 21, 2012

Hunting Season...

I really am rubbish. My defence for being so rubbish is that there was absolutely interesting for me to say since about, ohhh.. June 21st, 2011. But now, having deeply pontificated on life for the last 15 months, I come with glad tidings that I have something to rant about. How privileged you are, that one future-dwelling person who accidentally ended up here after you googled something about a rishta aunty. I'm almost jealous of you.

Anyway, 15 months on and no, there's no Mr Pagal as yet. And although it's quite nice to aspire to be a crazy old spinster, hoarding newspapers from the 80s and angrily throwing cats at young couples who dare to walk past my shack hand-in-hand...

...I thought I should maybe try to find him, instead of waiting for him to phone the house to see what time is suitable to pop round on his white horse, you know, just so he can plan ahead and shine his armour beforehand.

[Side note: why do single men get the cool word, bachelor, while single women get called spinsters? You wouldn't exactly talk about a cool 'spinster pad' or find a list in a newspaper of the 'most eligible spinsters'. Amelia Earhart didn't throw herself in front of that horse just so misogynists could imply older single women sit around spinning.]

So I did what any single Muslim does in this situation... I joined Unspecified Muslim Matrimonial Site. (Affectionately known as UMMS from here on in.)

At the time of writing, I've been a member for a grand total of about two weeks, and would you believe it, my hatred for humanity has increased, oh, about 2500%. Thems are results right there, ladies and gentlemen!

It's not only the downright ridiculous people that are on there... it's also the seemingly normal people, who do downright ridiculous things. A few examples:

1. Request a photo without sending any message. I see it this way - you wouldn't walk up to a perfect stranger in the street, stare at their face for a minute or so, and walk away without saying anything. Or maybe you would. That's why I reject the requests, these guys probably have a few restraining orders against them anyway.

2. Exchange a few messages, then request a photo, and within a few minutes of me approving the request, block me. That's right, BLOCK ME. I imagine it goes something like this:

SingleDude logs in to UMMS.
Thinks "Oh, a new  photo notification! Hmm, it's that Scottish girl who I asked a bunch of strange questions yesterday. Awesome, I can look at her photo now, this is even more exciting than this morning when I wandered up and down the high street getting in people's personal space and silently stroking their faces. Hmm, loading... loading..."
McPagal's face pops up on screen.
"OH MY GOD IS THAT EVEN A PERSON?! DO PEOPLE REALLY GO AROUND LOOKING LIKE THAT?! Merciful Allah, surely there must be some kind of corrective surgery she could have had? I'd feel sorry for her if I didn't.. feel... so..." *bleeeeuuuurgh! bleeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh!*
SingleDude has fallen off his chair and vomited copiously. He now appears to be lapsing in and out of consciousness.
"...What did I ever do to deserve this?"
SingleDude's mother walks in.
Mother: "Beta! What happened? Did I not feed you enough?! Ohhh, I knew you were looking kamzore! I even had to take in the waistband of your XXXXL trousers last week! Hai Rabb this is all my fault!"
SingleDude: "Mummy... don't look at the computer... it's for your own good..."
SingleDude's Mother can't obey. It's her maternal instinct to seek out the perpetrator of any hurt to her beloved boy-child and destroy it. She tentatively approaches the computer, looking only from the corner of her eye, as her instinctive wisdom tells her that the beast on the monitor will defeat her if she looks straight on. (Wo)manfully, she grips the mouse, and with a gasp manages to click the button marked 'block user'. Salvation. The ogre disappears, leaving only a soothing pink background. The monitor shows cracks where it has not been able to cope with the ugliness, and there's smoke starting to snake out of the computer - but the ordeal is over.
Mother "Well beta, I hope you realise this is why I said I'd find you a wife. I was only trying to protect you. Now, let's go downstairs and find out if Aunty Shameema has a nice, tall, fair, homely, professional girl who looks like me when I was young."

Yep, that's what must have happened. Because personally, I can't think of any reason a mature adult would block someone just because their appearance isn't up to scratch, other than that their appearance makes them want to scratch their eyeballs out.

The most offensive thing is that the first guy who did this, looked like a bit of a weirdo from his photo, and I didn't want to reply to his message, but my parents did the whole sensible thing and I realised I was being a bit shallow - oh the irony...

3. 'I don't think we're compatible'. This in itself sounds like a perfectly innocuous, even reasonable statement, doesn't it? But it usually comes after a couple of bland messages and then photos have been exchanged. One time, I snapped. I sent the guy a reply along the lines of 'that's fine, all the best, but if you're going to be so shallow as to judge compatibility based on looks, you should probably tell people that in the first instance'. So then he called me judgemental. So then I made sure I got the last word in and then blocked him. Ha.

Anyway, the above has taught me that I should probably have a photo up in the first place to avoid these kinds of exchanges.. but I can't bring myself to do it. So first I settled for a disclaimer a the end of my profile that I'm not drop-dead gorgeous, which didn't have any effect. So I added an addendum to my disclaimer that I have dark skin, and now nobody sends me messages. Oh well... time to go cat-shopping, I guess.

[I was going to have a rant about irritating things guys say on their profiles, but I'll save that for next time. Which hopefully will be sometime this year...]


Anonymous said...

Salaam Mcpagal. I just stumbled upon your blog and I love this post. It's sad to hear that looks means that much but somehow I'm not surprised either. Meeting people in real life is mostly the best I suppose since you can almost always read in people's faces what they are feeling. It makes so angry to hear that people tend to avoid dark skinned people on UMMS. If it really was a bad thing to look anything else but white Allah wouldn't have made us diverse. Good thing is that if someone does contact you, you know they're not as stupid as the rest. Hope to read your next post soon inshaallah.

S said...

As salaamu alaykum ya mcpagal!

Nice to have you back. Before you think of me as some random stalker dude(tte), i actually used to read your blog from years back (only i cant remember what name i used to use)and today was pleasantly surprised to see a new post in my feed thingy.

So yeh just wanted to say hi, and that this post made me :(

Anonymous said...

Can I stroke your face?

mcpagal said...

Oh dear, I didn't mean to make anyone :( !

That said, no one is allowed to stroke my face. Sorry.

Minaretmuse said...

Did it not occur to you that your photograph must have blinded the guy & his mother with its blaze of sheer and utter awesomeness, temporarily blinding them with the realisation that they truly weren't worthy? Unable to face you ever again, all they could do was block your dazzling self & begin to eke out the rest of their lives in the dark shadows left by your brief but traumatic blaze of brilliance.
If that's what's out there, I'm beginning to see the attraction of cats. I suggest taking a dose of this excellent blog on a similar theme: