Thursday, November 25, 2010

Things That Make Me Hate You On Facebook - Part 2

PART 2 - Content! [Also, the part where I pretend there wasn't a 5 month (wait, really?!) gap since Part 1, thereby avoiding having to make up any tediously reasonable excuse for said gap]

Before I list these, I should clarify something you may not have noticed about me: I am a horrible, horrible cynic who likes to privately (like, in my own head privately) mock people's foibles. However I also recognise that I have my own, often extremely irritating foibles myself. I'm perfectly happy for people to point these out, because I have a ready-made excuse (which is, incidentally, the same excuse I have for all my spelling and grammar errors) - I was doing it on purpose. You know, ironically. Ha.


1. The life story
08.02:'Just woke up, eyelids are having trouble coming unstuck'
08.07:'Getting out of bed was a struggle, finally managed it LOL'
08.14:'Decided to use small circular motions to brush my teeth rather than the old side-to-side, now my gums are bleeding'
08.16:'Dropped my phone down the toilet trying to eiuuhgeneangh ehfoiuhn...s''@##'
You get the picture.

2. The Drama Queen
'Some people need to focus on their OWN selves instead of HATING like HATERZ.'
'Had a great night out with my girls, we don't CARE what people say about us cause they're all HATERSZZ'
Somehow, I find myself not wanting to hate these people because it would be giving them what they want. It's nigh impossible though.

3. The Deep Dark Soul of Mystery
'Some days you just have to be strong'
'I can't expect anyone to understand'
If anyone makes an attempt to understand, however, e.g. by asking what's up, the Deep Dark Soul of Mystery likes to respond cryptically, maybe with a '...' or a picture of a bucket of their own tears. They're deep like that.

4. The Broken Compass

Friday morning: 'Jumah mubarak my Muslim brethren. Protect yourself from the hellfire. Can't wait for the khutba by Sheikh al-Famous today, it'll be awesome for sure inshallah'
Friday night: 'Whooo had an awesome time gettin high on sheesha and freemixing, and the gambling was awesome too LAWL'
Sadly, the latter update is usually accompanied by photographic evidence, the type that makes you cover your eyes and cringe.

Also included in this category: the people who don't seem to give a toss about Islamic stuff normally, but when it comes to the ins and outs of moon-sighting, or halal food for example, they're tossing out fatwas and hadith like they're smarties. But not the red smarties, because they have cochineal which is from dead beetles and are therefore haraam, for further evidence please refer to yadda yadda yadda...

5. Captain Obvious

[Someone makes a witty remark involving Barack Obama and his similarity to a writing desk]

[It's snowing outside, and has been for the last week]

[It's hot outside due to a widely discussed heatwave]
Status Update: IT'TH HOT WHYYY?

[It's Tuesday]

Thanks for being so informative, Cap'n.

6. Anyone who dares express themselves in anything but the most cursory written form.

X's Notes: My Poetry

X's Albums: My Artwork
This one is no one's fault but my own. Anyone who likes to post their emo-poems or artwork will face my scorn, albeit never expressed to anybody at all in case they should realise how very mean I can be and block me from their facebook, and my source of future amusement. Their poetry/artwork might not even be altogether vomit-inducing, but in my head the very fact they posted it on facebook makes it ridiculous. Although it usually is vomit-inducing, to be fair.

Tune in next week, to see McPagal step on a kitten and then laugh!*
*Not really.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Things That Make Me Hate You On Facebook - Part I

I love Facebook. I love that I can keep in touch with family and friends as far away as Switzerland, Morocco, New Zealand, Pakistan, America and even England. I love that you can start a conversation with one person and have it end up as a discussion between people on your friends list that would never have otherwise interacted. I love that you can see what a small world we live in, when your friends overlap in a veritable Venn diagram of unexpected ways.

There is, however, plenty of hate for Facebook out there on the web (should that be in the web? I dunno). Bleeding Mafia Wars and Farmville in particular. I figured I'd join in - all in the spirit of 'love the sinner, hate the sin' of course! If anyone who knows me on Facebook would like to point out irritating things that I'm guilty of myself, please do. So that I can promptly defriend you.

Profile Pictures
The thing with Facebook is that the title is pretty self explanatory when it come to profile pictures. Unless you're using a pseudonym and using Facebook for stalkery purposes, it's good to have your face as your picture. Look, the placeholder is even a silhouette of a head-and-shoulders portrait, how helpful! I suppose there are those who have so many random people as friends that they feel shy about showing their faces, but then the question arises - why add so many randoms? Ok, you want to network, blah blah whatever. Stop fighting my argument with REASON.

Apart from a lack of faceness, here are the worst crimes in my subjectively objective eyes - most of them perpetrated by the female facebook population because, hey, I'm not going to ogle GUY pictures, that'd be wrong (even for research purposes) plus I have no witty observations to make on guy-pictures anyway...:

This neanderthal uses someone else's face as their profile picture. Usually someone famouser/prettier, for example Aishwarya Rai instead of their 75 year old, nicotine stained, toothless, morbidly obese self. This is especially irritating when perpetrated by a hijabi/niqabi - it's not ok to show yourself with your hair/face uncovered, but it's ok to show someone else's? That's like wearing a wig over your hijab! And that would just be ridiculous!

This is when you take a close-up picture of your eye (or to make it a double whammy, take a close-up picture of someone else's, more photogenic and artfully made-up eye that you found on Google images - in a bold, ALL-SEEING EYE THIEF move) and use it as your profile picture. Yes, eyes are pretty, and said to be the window to the soul etc etc. But this makes me think that you:
a) are very vain and want everyone to notice/comment on you having pretty eyes, in common with 99% of the world's population
b) somehow think that showing off your beguiling eyes is somehow more 'halal' than showing your face, despite making sure that your eye is well adorned with heavy eyeliner, mascara and bold eyeshadow - like one of those Caged Oppressed Muslim Woman In Desert Country novel covers; or
c) are a one-eyed mutant freak.

This is when you combine a desi girl with a good, strong camera flash to give her that goree-chitti, face-dipped-in-atta appearance. Typically this picture will have a long trail of comments on it saying how gorgeous the person looks (for once, you know...) despite the fact that the flash frequently comes with the side-effect of making the subject's nose disappear into whiteness. THE WHITEOUT may be combined with:

Do. Not. Show. Your. Teeth.
Also, tilt your head to the side, look up through your eyelashes, and lift your camera high, and MySpace-pose it. The only difference from the dictionary definition is that as a desi girl who is not emo, you may smile, but should remember not to show any teeth (that would be soooo laaaame) and should use as much poutage as possible. You may also comine this with:

DAFFY DUCK incidentally, way cooler that Donald
Pout!! Pout like you're trying to touch the ceiling!! Why not add a touch of:

Here's a tip: whenever you go out anywhere, like a nice restaurant or hotel or other wedding venue - don't bother taking pictures anywhere, you know, scenic. Instead, make your way to the toilets with a couple of your best pals and hold an hour-long photoshoot. That way, people can see your picture reflected in the mirror, with a beautiful panorama of washbasins and toilet cubicles behind you. You should make this your profile picture because then everyone can see that you're the adventurous sort who stays inside posing in public toilets.
Just remember to wash your hands when you're done.

So, you're a hijabi/niqabi and you feel like you're missing out on some fun? Just use all the tips above, and don't bother with the hijab. It doesn't matter, it's just a picture you're putting out there for the world to see, and you're still wearing it in person so that's ok, right? Right?

to be continued...