Thursday, November 25, 2010

Things That Make Me Hate You On Facebook - Part 2

PART 2 - Content! [Also, the part where I pretend there wasn't a 5 month (wait, really?!) gap since Part 1, thereby avoiding having to make up any tediously reasonable excuse for said gap]

Before I list these, I should clarify something you may not have noticed about me: I am a horrible, horrible cynic who likes to privately (like, in my own head privately) mock people's foibles. However I also recognise that I have my own, often extremely irritating foibles myself. I'm perfectly happy for people to point these out, because I have a ready-made excuse (which is, incidentally, the same excuse I have for all my spelling and grammar errors) - I was doing it on purpose. You know, ironically. Ha.

SO!

1. The life story
08.02:'Just woke up, eyelids are having trouble coming unstuck'
08.07:'Getting out of bed was a struggle, finally managed it LOL'
08.14:'Decided to use small circular motions to brush my teeth rather than the old side-to-side, now my gums are bleeding'
08.16:'Dropped my phone down the toilet trying to eiuuhgeneangh ehfoiuhn...s''@##'
You get the picture.


2. The Drama Queen
'Some people need to focus on their OWN selves instead of HATING like HATERZ.'
'Had a great night out with my girls, we don't CARE what people say about us cause they're all HATERSZZ'
'Y'ALL JUST HATE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND'
Somehow, I find myself not wanting to hate these people because it would be giving them what they want. It's nigh impossible though.


3. The Deep Dark Soul of Mystery
'SIGH'
'Some days you just have to be strong'
'I can't expect anyone to understand'
If anyone makes an attempt to understand, however, e.g. by asking what's up, the Deep Dark Soul of Mystery likes to respond cryptically, maybe with a '...' or a picture of a bucket of their own tears. They're deep like that.


4. The Broken Compass

Friday morning: 'Jumah mubarak my Muslim brethren. Protect yourself from the hellfire. Can't wait for the khutba by Sheikh al-Famous today, it'll be awesome for sure inshallah'
Friday night: 'Whooo had an awesome time gettin high on sheesha and freemixing, and the gambling was awesome too LAWL'
Sadly, the latter update is usually accompanied by photographic evidence, the type that makes you cover your eyes and cringe.

Also included in this category: the people who don't seem to give a toss about Islamic stuff normally, but when it comes to the ins and outs of moon-sighting, or halal food for example, they're tossing out fatwas and hadith like they're smarties. But not the red smarties, because they have cochineal which is from dead beetles and are therefore haraam, for further evidence please refer to yadda yadda yadda...


5. Captain Obvious

[Someone makes a witty remark involving Barack Obama and his similarity to a writing desk]
Comment: HAHA THAT'TH FUNNY CUZTH BARACK OBAMA ITH THE PRETHIDENT AND HE'TH BLACK HURRRR

[It's snowing outside, and has been for the last week]
Status Update: IT'TH THNOWING HURRRRRR

[It's hot outside due to a widely discussed heatwave]
Status Update: IT'TH HOT WHYYY?

[It's Tuesday]
Status Update: IT'TH TUESDAYYYY

Thanks for being so informative, Cap'n.


6. Anyone who dares express themselves in anything but the most cursory written form.

X's Notes: My Poetry

X's Albums: My Artwork
This one is no one's fault but my own. Anyone who likes to post their emo-poems or artwork will face my scorn, albeit never expressed to anybody at all in case they should realise how very mean I can be and block me from their facebook, and my source of future amusement. Their poetry/artwork might not even be altogether vomit-inducing, but in my head the very fact they posted it on facebook makes it ridiculous. Although it usually is vomit-inducing, to be fair.

Tune in next week, to see McPagal step on a kitten and then laugh!*
*Not really.

9 comments:

Musab Bora said...

I have posted this on my facebook account. Because it is funny.

iMuslim said...

Lawlz.

How come you didn't mention my beating you at Lexulous? Surely that stings a little? :P

P.S., Rheostat... that was just evil.

mcpagal said...

Mr Bora: I thoroughly approve!

iMuslim: I reserve a special level of hate for people who insist on beating me at word games...

Also, Rheostat was awesome :P

Anonymous said...

Loool, number 4 was my favourite! I remember some years back there were countless profiles on Hi5 with teenagers who listed their favourite book as "the Quran" but listed their usernames as "sxc babe" and trying to make seductive poses on their profile pictures. Nice to see you back on your blog after all this time.

Neelu

shaeeza said...

Hello, I stumbled across your blog while trying to find out what ristaa aunty meant, you are a very funny writer. I would like to follow your writings. I am a teacher in New York and Muslim, I have started my own blog and not very great at keeping up with it.
hope to read more.

Muhajirah said...

Ya mcpagal, don't dissapear again!

:)

Anonymous said...

Come back mcpagal! I need my fix! Miaow.

mummyjaan said...

I'm relieved to note that I don't fit in any of the above categories which would have invited your scorn, mcpagal - whew.

It looks like you are either very busy at university or work, which is a good thing.

Actually, it's a great thing, except that mcpagal humour is unique and rarely found anywhere else.

mcpagal said...

aw thanks mummyjaan! I'm not all that busy with anything to be honest - I think I was actually better at posting when I was avoiding being productive with other things. Just waiting for my mojo to recharge!