Before I list these, I should clarify something you may not have noticed about me: I am a horrible, horrible cynic who likes to privately (like, in my own head privately) mock people's foibles. However I also recognise that I have my own, often extremely irritating foibles myself. I'm perfectly happy for people to point these out, because I have a ready-made excuse (which is, incidentally, the same excuse I have for all my spelling and grammar errors) - I was doing it on purpose. You know, ironically. Ha.
SO!
1. The life story
08.02:'Just woke up, eyelids are having trouble coming unstuck'You get the picture.
08.07:'Getting out of bed was a struggle, finally managed it LOL'
08.14:'Decided to use small circular motions to brush my teeth rather than the old side-to-side, now my gums are bleeding'
08.16:'Dropped my phone down the toilet trying to eiuuhgeneangh ehfoiuhn...s''@##'
2. The Drama Queen
'Some people need to focus on their OWN selves instead of HATING like HATERZ.'Somehow, I find myself not wanting to hate these people because it would be giving them what they want. It's nigh impossible though.
'Had a great night out with my girls, we don't CARE what people say about us cause they're all HATERSZZ'
'Y'ALL JUST HATE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND'
3. The Deep Dark Soul of Mystery
'SIGH'If anyone makes an attempt to understand, however, e.g. by asking what's up, the Deep Dark Soul of Mystery likes to respond cryptically, maybe with a '...' or a picture of a bucket of their own tears. They're deep like that.
'Some days you just have to be strong'
'I can't expect anyone to understand'
4. The Broken Compass
Friday morning: 'Jumah mubarak my Muslim brethren. Protect yourself from the hellfire. Can't wait for the khutba by Sheikh al-Famous today, it'll be awesome for sure inshallah'Sadly, the latter update is usually accompanied by photographic evidence, the type that makes you cover your eyes and cringe.
Friday night: 'Whooo had an awesome time gettin high on sheesha and freemixing, and the gambling was awesome too LAWL'
Also included in this category: the people who don't seem to give a toss about Islamic stuff normally, but when it comes to the ins and outs of moon-sighting, or halal food for example, they're tossing out fatwas and hadith like they're smarties. But not the red smarties, because they have cochineal which is from dead beetles and are therefore haraam, for further evidence please refer to yadda yadda yadda...
5. Captain Obvious
[Someone makes a witty remark involving Barack Obama and his similarity to a writing desk]
Comment: HAHA THAT'TH FUNNY CUZTH BARACK OBAMA ITH THE PRETHIDENT AND HE'TH BLACK HURRRR
[It's snowing outside, and has been for the last week]
Status Update: IT'TH THNOWING HURRRRRR
[It's hot outside due to a widely discussed heatwave]
Status Update: IT'TH HOT WHYYY?
[It's Tuesday]
Status Update: IT'TH TUESDAYYYY
Thanks for being so informative, Cap'n.
6. Anyone who dares express themselves in anything but the most cursory written form.
This one is no one's fault but my own. Anyone who likes to post their emo-poems or artwork will face my scorn, albeit never expressed to anybody at all in case they should realise how very mean I can be and block me from their facebook, and my source of future amusement. Their poetry/artwork might not even be altogether vomit-inducing, but in my head the very fact they posted it on facebook makes it ridiculous. Although it usually is vomit-inducing, to be fair.
X's Notes: My Poetry
X's Albums: My Artwork
Tune in next week, to see McPagal step on a kitten and then laugh!*
*Not really.
