BUSLIFE: Act 2^48, Scene 1
MCPAGAL sits at the top of the bus, tucked behind the staircase, feet resting on the barrier in front. The upper floor here is fairly empty, the only other passengers are a couple behind her talking in such low tones as to be inaudible, and a middle-aged lady up front laden with shopping. Our heroine contemplates deep things like the meaning of life, the futility of ambition, and the fact she has to cook dinner tonight.
Traffic slows to a crawl due to an accident on the dual carriageway; another bus is stranded on the pavement like a beached whale (or possibly, like a vehicle on the pavement).
Uneven, thudding footsteps alight the stairs.
DRUNKMAN enters the scene
DRUNKMAN: Shjpshhsh? Krjzhh.
DRUNKMAN stumbles forward, his frazzled proprioception and the swaying of the bus combining to give him the gait of a ballet dancer wearing cement shoes, trying to walk in a straight line after being spun round in an office chair til dizzy and nauseous, and also the ballet dancer has taken drugs. As he reaches the front of the bus, he misjudges where exactly the front of the bus is, and smacks his head neatly on the window.
A neat imprint of DRUNKMAN's head is left, ironically, beside the convenient 'MIND YOUR HEAD' sign on the glass.
DRUNKMAN: Auuuurghhh! Awwaaaah! Owwwww!
DRUNKMAN thumps heavily into a seat and clutches his head in his hands, bending over so his head is in his lap too. He tips forward a little, so his head is now unfortuitously placed beneath a horizontal pole. DRUNKMAN continues to emit quiet whimpers, while MCPAGAL awaits the inevitable.
DRUNKMAN is soon recovered - and sure enough, when he raises his head: THUMP.
DRUNKMAN: WAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAARGH! AWWWWWWWWWGGGHH! OOOOOOOOHHHHHH! [...continues along the same lines for a number of minutes]
...eventually...
DRUNKMAN: If it's no one thing, it's another, eh?? EH??
Ssshhhh... Shuu... SHE sez tae me, right?! Schchchcheeeeehh sez, be up the road the noo, right? And I sez tae hurrrr, there's a bus onna pavement! Eh? And ah'm gonnae be late right?
And shhhe tells me whatta dae alla time right? Dae this, dae that, go here, do that! And I ha' tae gie her a-hunner-an-shikshtae-pounds a month! Jussshhhht cuz she had a wean by me, eh? AHUNNERANSHIKSHTY POUNDS! [continues in incoherent mumbles]. An' she goes tae hur brother's, right, and get's like, a big fancy dinner! Wi' all the... fancy bits! An' I gie hur allae ma money, sho all ah get is the f'in sh*tty dinners the same as the wean huz!
DRUNKMAN seems to have sobered up enough to have recovered some fine motor skills - enough to dial a mobile phone in any case.
DRUNKMAN: HAW!! WHIT DYOO MEAN AH'M LATE? AH TRIED TAE CALL YOO SUX TIMES AWREADY! WHIT? WHIT? AH DIDNAE CALL YOO SUX TIMES! YOO JUST CHECK MAH PHONE WHEN AH GIT THERE! AH'M AT THE WEE SCHOOL NOO!
At this juncture DRUNKMAN heaves himself out of his seat, and manages a controlled fall down the stairs and out of the open bus doors - the bus driver seemed to think it advisable to stop prior to opening the doors, however.
MCPAGAL and the remaining passengers can now meet each others' eye - when they do, they share a tiny moment of understanding, and a laugh.
FIN.
